Okay.....It's been a bit since I have done one of these. Really no excuses aside from the fact that I am just lazy. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and I know it's my own fault. I get in these modes and don't wanna do anything, and just want to put everything off until the last minute. I haven't figured out if it's because I just don't want to do them or if I like acting on impulse (haha). It seems I get more accomplished when I have no other choice. Hence it being two days left until I leave for Colorado, and have yet to wash clothes, pack, clean up the house, etc.. This is what's gonna happen.....mark my words: I am going to wake up on Friday morning (The day I am leaving), and I am going to run through the house like a mad woman....washing clothes, packing, picking up the house. Then I am gonna be gunning it to the airport to catch a flight, and then by the time I get on the plane I am gonna be ready to rip someone's head off. This is how I am. Do I like this about myself?? Absolutely not. Am I gonna change this about myself?? Absolutely not. This is how I have handled things my whole life, and I am certain this is how the remainder of my life will be. Hi! I'm Taylor, the biggest procrastinator on the planet.......welcome to my world.
This week has been rather calm. Hayley had her birthday party on Saturday and it was at the bowling alley. I had a lot of fun, and although I can't stand to lose (and I stink at bowling), I still had fun. Everybody that I love to surround myself w/ was there. Well, except for my mom and stepdad, but they are 800 miles away. Had they been there it would have been complete. I left her party feeling so good inside. I guess I don't think about it from day to day as I should, but when people take the time out of their busy lives to attend something like that, it really means a lot. I left thinking how very blessed me, Chris, and Hayley are. To have the awesome people we have in our lives. Of course, there was a piece of me saddened that my dad wasn't there. I mean it hadn't seem that long ago that we were at that very spot w/ him celebrating Hayley's 4th birthday. Even w/ him being sick and jaundiced he still got up there to bowl. But, in a sense, He was with us. I know he was looking down on us, and thinking the same thing I was; how very blessed we are.
I have some amazing people in my life. Although, I can't take credit for their actions, I can however, take credit for allowing them to be in my life! Haha...kidding! But in all seriousness......they're great! If you know me at all you know that I am pretty well an open book. I am like this because I have yet to be betrayed by anyone that I love. I know, I know. It can happen in an instant, but as for now.....it hasn't. Sure I have had run ins w/ each of them, but every person that is in my life I trust w/ my whole heart.
As in my previous post, you can tell that I am extremely close w/ my parents. I love them dearly. I have however failed to mention my other parents, so to speak. Chris's mom and stepdad. (We don't have a relationship with Chris's dad and wife and that will be a whole other post. I am fully convinced they are the spawns of Satan.) Anyway, ever since I have been w/ Chris, I have been really close to his mother, Patsy. Of course we have had our moments, but for the most part we couldn't have been any closer. Over the past year or so we haven't been as close as we were in the past, but that happens. She remarried (finally, yeah!), and has her new life w/ her husband (Poppy George), and it seems I stay busy as well. When you have so many friends, it tends to be difficult to share yourself equally amongst them all. Hahah.....soooo kidding. Patsy, aka Granny, has been very good to me. She loves me like I am her own, and I love her for that. And of course it's a given...Hayley is very close to her Granny.
Patsy and George married a few years ago, and he has really been a blessing to all of us. Wasn't too sure about him at first, (mainly because of Patsy's history w/ no good men), but he turned out to be even better than I imagined him to be. Hayley is crazy about him. He treats Hayley like she's his grandchild and that makes me smile. Especially now since my dad has passed, her other poppy (my stepdad) lives so far away, and her other, whatever you want to call him.....(Chris's no good, lousy father...Terry Murray) has nothing to do w/ her. George has helped to fill that void in everyone's life. It's sad that a man you've known for three years has been a better father to you than your own biological father (Chris's dad.....Like I said.....that will be a whole other post). You often hear stories about people and their in-laws. I would have to say that for me, that doesn't really apply. I love spending time w/ them.....that is when I actually have the time. I don't get to visit them much because sadly, when I have enough time to visit w/ them, I just want to stay home. I have become quite the homebody over the past couple of years. Possibly depression, but who knows?
Anyway, back on the topic.....Patsy and George. George lost his father exactly one year prior to the date I lost my father. Although they both had separate health issues, nonetheless, they still both suffered before their passing. Of course each person is different, and each person handles things in their own way, but it still helps to know that he somewhat knows what I am feeling because until you've been there, you really don't know. We will forever mourn the loss of our fathers on the same day together. I remember when George lost his father. I felt so bad for him. But I clearly see now, I didn't truly know his hurt until I experienced it for myself. As I stood at his fathers viewing, I never in a million years expected that exactly 1 year later, I'd be standing at mine.
I also stated in my previous post my relationship w/ my siblings. Me and my sister have spent most of our lives fighting. The worst of the worst, too, but we always end up closer than ever once we reconcile. She's that one person that pops in your mind when you think those thoughts of "Who would I call if THIS happened?".....Ummm...Candyce. Haha....She may not be happy about it, but she'd do it. Me and Candyce were always in competition so to speak for my dad's attention. Of course I always won, because I would throw her under the bus w/ things that he didn't approve of. I know that's dirty, but hey, I did what I thought I should do. Candyce and daddy were close, but they spent the past many years on again off again. I know this is because they were both so much alike. He was a rebellion, just as she is. For example, you can tell Candyce to do something and she will do just the opposite, so for her, it's always been good to use a little reverse psychology. When shes got plans to do something that you think might not be a good idea, you just tell her it's good idea. That's a good way to steer her in your direction. Haha. We are complete opposites in every sense of the word. She's organized, on top of things, prepared, etc., and I am none of those things. She puts her mind to something and she does it. Me.....well, I put my mind to something and I talk myself out of it before it ever gets done.
Murphy....well, what can I say? Me and Murphy have a unique bond. Murphy moved in w/ me and Chris the very first night we moved into our new home, He lived w/ us for a good while, and then later, eventually moved out. He's been w/ us off and on for the past 8 years. We have spent a good part of this time laughing and cutting up over anything and everything. Don't get me wrong, just like w/ my other siblings, we have had our fair share of fighting, but me and Murph understand one another. We are very much different in a lot of ways, but we both have that laid back, go w/ the flow personality.Murphy spent a good part of his life looking up to my daddy. Wanting to be just like him. He is like him in a lot of ways. Daddy would say that's a bad thing, but I tend to see some good qualities in Murphy that he got from my dad....i.e. He's a good daddy. He doesn't have Bryce much, but when he does, he actually spends time w/ him. He talks to him (much like my daddy used to do us), plays w/ him, and tells him continuously how much he loves him. There's no doubt the love that Murphy has for Bryce, just as there was no doubt the love my dad had for us.
Now, Vance. I would say me and Vance are fairly close. Because of the age difference between us, I have always played more of the "motherly" role to him.. When I say "motherly" role, that means telling him what he should or shouldn't do. Haha. Now, since my dad has passed, me, Murphy, and Candyce, are all he has left as far as immediate family. His mother has spent most of her life in and out of his. And when I say in and out I mean, literally...stops in and says hey, and the next thing you know, he hasn't seen her in months.....even a year. Bless his heart. He has spent most of his life wondering if his mom was dead or alive. Vance used to be extremely close w/ my dad, but as he got older he sort of drifted further away. Don't get me wrong, they still spoke often, but just didn't see each other a whole lot. A lot of things happened between my dad and Vance while my dad was sick. Words were said that just couldn't be taken back. Because of this I feel an urge to let Vance know that I am here for him. He was only 18 when my dad passed, and not to excuse him by any means, but I remember being that age. You often do think of yourself more than others. For this, I feel sorry for him. He has a lot of guilt weighing on him, and he needs to be reassured that it's gonna be okay, and that he is loved.
I haven't mentioned my brother in law, Dustin, which I feel maybe I should. After all, he has been a really big part of our lives as well. I don't see him often, but you can guarantee that if I picked up that phone to call on him for anything.....he'd be there in a split second. He's crazy about Hayley, as she is him. He gets her from time to time and spends time w/ her. Spoils her...you know how that is. Every outing she's ever had w/ Uncle Dustin you can bet your tail that she will come home w/ at least 3 toys. He's great and we love him more than he knows.
Next, my nephews. I have two nephews (actually three including Brayden, George's grandson). I haven't even had a chance to see Brayden yet. George's daughter, Deven, was in the army and stationed in Germany when he was born. They haven't been home too long, but I still haven't had a chance to see him, and I am so ready to. Anyway, Braxton and Bryce. Along w/ Hayley, they are the light of my life. Braxton and I have a bond like no other. He used to be my life before Hayley was born. I'd go pick him up 2-3 days a week from daycare and spend time w/ him. Mostly I'd take him over to my dad's w/ me because daddy always liked to see him as well. Hayley's was born right before Braxton turned 5. Once you have your own child, it tends to be more difficult to do the things you did before. I didn't see Braxton as often as I liked, but it was hard. I was so engulfed in the whole motherhood lifestyle that I didn't have a whole lot of time outside of it. I am still close to Braxton though. He is a lot like me and I love that about him...haha!
Bryce.....soooooooo flippin' funny. He doesn't even try to be.....he just is. He is so much like my dad and Murphy that it's insane. He looks exactly like Murphy when he was his age. I mean....scary, like Murphy has been cloned or something. Bryce is literally the ideal child. Never whines, hardly ever cries, when he's sleepy....he lays down and says he's sleepy. I'll go out on a limb and say that he is dern near the perfect child. I am close to him as well. Murphy gets him every other weekend, and on one of those days, if not all, he is at my house w/ or w/out Murphy. He likes to come over and play w/ Hayley. I don't know why, because all they do is fight. Just like brother and sister. You can put Braxton and Hayley in a room together for two days, and they will just wrestle and play........not Hayley and Bryce. I am fully convinced that if you put those two in a room toegether like that.....one would be dead by the time you went to release them.
It's so strange how all of our personalities are so different, but yet the same. You have me and Candyce...complete opposites. Then you have Candyce and Hayley......just alike. You have me and Hayley.....complete opposites. Then you have me and Braxton....just alike. Then you have Murphy and Bryce who are both just alike, and pretty well clash and get along w/ everyone about the same. Odd.......
I am so blessed w/ great family, and feel even more blessed w/ my great friends. I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in this world, and that's the truth. I can honestly say that during this whole past year w/ my dad, that not one of my friends let me down. In fact, I learned real quick what being a friend means. I think back on things that took place during my dad's sickness and how all my friends helped me....and him. I can remember Teri and Eddie going to my dad's w/ me and helped clean up his home so that I could bring him home. Or the countless times Eddie would spend the night and sleep in there w/ my dad and Murphy and help my dad to the bathroom or with whatever he needed. Or after my father passed, Kelly taking off work and missing her pay to pick my mom up from the airport so she could be there w/ us. Or the countless times that Patsy, George, and Dustin would get Hayley so that I could have a break or so that I could take my dad to all his doctors visits. Can't forget the daily phone calls from Candace that would help lift my spirits. There are entirely too many things to even list about these people and why I love them so. I could spend my entire life telling them what that meant to me, but it would never be enough. I love all of them w/ all my heart and I know that I always will.
If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole grieving process, it's to always let the people you love know how very important they are to you. There are so many things that I never said to my dad that I now wish I could. Even though I spent a good part of my life caring for my dad and doing things for him, I still wish I would have told him every now and then how special he was to me. I didn't ever tell him how much I loved him until he was lying on his death bed, unable to speak, unable to reciprocate. That's a tough pill to swallow. People say "Taylor, your daddy knew you loved him", but how could he possibly know that if I never told him just how much? If I could give advice to anyone, it would be to tell the people you love how much you love them because you never know when it will be the last time. My daddy was sick for almost a year. I knew this. I helped take care of him day after day, but there was one thing I never did during the whole year he was sick. I never spoke to him about how much I loved him. I never told him that he was my everything, and how appreciative I was for everything he had ever done for me. And now, there is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if he heard my heart on the day he had died.
Tomorrow is never promised.......
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Hayley's 5! YIKES!
Well......It's my girls birthday. Just 5 years ago, it was just me and Chris. Clueless about the love we were about to experience.....
My Pregnancy with Hayley
I didn't know I was expecting for a short while of course. My sister had taken me to Six Flags for my birthday. We had so much fun. Rode every ride, including the Acrophobia three times. When we left, I was deathly sick. I just chalked it up to being too "old" to handle the rides anymore. After a week or so of slowly losing my hair, I knew something wasn't right with me. It wasn't until I ran past Chris hurling when the thought entered my mind, "I think I might be pregnant". I was.........9 weeks to be exact.
I immediately called Teri. She came over and I took a pregnancy test. There it was.....positive. I was scared to death. When Chris got home, I told him. His reply, "Omg....How?"...Ummmmmm.....Really? LOL. Once Chris knew, I would begin to call our families and tell them. My mom, his mom, my sister, etc.. The person I didn't call...................my dad. Even though I had been married for 3 years, I just couldn't tell him. I remembered how upset he became with Candyce for getting pregnant with Braxton. She had been married for a while, too. How would he react?? I held off telling him for a while, and when I finally went to do it, I was terrified. To this day I can remember exactly where I was standing when I was talking to him. Of course I did it over the phone. I know, tacky, right?! Well! I wasn't going to tell him to his face! He would have access to me if I did that. I called and was crying before I even told him. He reacted just the way I thought....he was irate. He started screaming at me, asking me what I was thinking. I listened to him for about 5 minutes or so, and finally responded with, "What do you want me to do?? Have an abortion? Give it up for adoption? Would THAT make you feel better?!" He paused. Dead silence on the phone, and then said, "No baby, that's not what I want at all. Everything's going to be okay." At the time, I truly didn't know why he was upset. All I could think was he just wanted me to have some schooling under my belt, and to be stable. Now, when I think back on it, and realize how things had changed once I had Hayley, I've realized what it was. My daddy was my best friend. We did everything together; our shopping, our bill paying, etc.. Like I said in the previous post, I would cook at home and drive him a plate before I would eat. He knew when I had this baby, it wouldn't be like that anymore. The baby would come first, and him last. You may think that's selfish of him, but I don't. He was simply scared of losing me. I realized once I had Hayley that a lot of things did change in a sense. Of course, she was my number one priority, but me and my daddy still remained closer than ever, and in addition, we had Hayley. A new love.
Pregnancy was not what I expected by any means. I always thought that when I got pregnant, I could eat whatever I wanted and have an excuse to be fat. Yeah, no. That didn't play out considering I stayed sick my entire pregnancy. I threw up almost everyday, and sometimes a few times a day. It was weird because I couldn't eat anything that was warm to the touch..i.e. If it just came off the stove, or out of the oven, etc.. I could only eat sandwiches, things like that. Even then I would be nauseated, but I wouldn't have to make a mad dash to the commode. I remember one day I was starving. I was about 6 or 7 months into my pregnancy, and just wanted a big fat cheeseburger. I knew it would make me sick, but at that point I didn't care. I ran through McDonald's got me a cheeseburger and fries. I started heading home and I was cramming it in my mouth. As soon as I took the last bite, before I cold even pull my car over, I spewed. Everywhere. I had to drive home w/ vomit sitting in my lap. Then I had to clean it all up =(. Brutal to say the least.
Aside from the sickness, for the most part of my pregnancy, it went smoothly. Well, until the end. During my last month of pregnancy, my blood pressure was always high. I would have to make continuous trips to the doctor. Finally, a week and a half before my due date (Feb. 1st), it had gotten really high. I made my normal trip to the doctor. The nurse that checked my blood pressure had said, "I hope you have your bags packed". I didn't. And I didn't like that statement. I wasn't like most pregnant women. They get so far along, and you hear them say "I am just ready to have him/her....I'm miserable". Not me. I was miserable, but I was terrified. I wanted her to stay as long as she wanted, and I wouldn't have any objections. After the doctor came in, and what ended in one of the most painful moments of my life, she told me to go straight to the hospital. I panicked. I said "What? Wait.....can I at least go home and get some things and then report to the hospital?" Her reply, "You go straight home, and you be back at that hospital in an hour." She scolded me. I mean, what did she think I would do? Runaway? Unfortunately this wasn't something I could run from.
Labor and Delivery
Chris came home and we went to the hospital. They started inducing that night on January 19th, and woke me up at 8 a.m. to break my water. Everything went smoothly until then. I have to admit though, I really only had about 20 minutes of true pain. Yes, I cried. I'm a wimp and I can admit that. It all happened so fast. Even the nurse was shocked. She told my family to go on downstairs and to grab something to eat that it would be a while. Pretty well as soon as they left I told her I was hurting and I felt like the baby was coming. She said "No, it just feels like it. You're okay." Not too long after that I expressed the importance of my concern. I told her I knew the baby was coming. She said "I don't think so, but I will check you to make you feel better." I still remember the look on her face when she checked me. Priceless. She said "You're ready! Call your family back up!"....She rushed out, and my brother-in-law said she came out of the room rushing saying "Get the doctor! Now!" The doctor came in just in time to deliver Hayley. Finally. I was so aggravated because they kept telling me to hold her in. I'm sorry, but when you are in labor, there is "no holding it in". The baby is coming whether you like it or not. I had everybody in the room w/ me: Chris, My mom, Chris's mom, and my sister.....w/ my dad yelling over the curtain every few minutes. Funny. Hayley was born at 10:46 a.m. 20 in. long and weighed 7lbs and 1 oz. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. Still is.
Hayley
We brought Hayley home the next day and it was heavenly. Until the acid reflux/colic kicked in. She was allergic to all her formulas, and she just hurt all the time. She cried all day, and all night. I felt so bad for her. As a new mom I didn't know what to do. I would hold her close, rock her, but nothing seemed to soothe her. I tried everything. At one point I can actually remember putting her in her pumpkin seat and literally swinging her back and forth by hand. The swing wouldn't work for her so I thought I would manually do it. I looked forward to the three month mark of her life because that's when they say the colic subsides. The colic subsided, but not the crying. She was still miserable from the acid reflux, and so was I. There were countless nights that I sat and cried w/ her. It was horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
As she got older, the crying wasn't near as bad, but because she spent most of her life whining and crying, she continued it on. She has been a handful for sure. It has been a crazy 5 years, but I'd relive it all over again in a second. She's so smart and has a great personality. She makes me laugh on a daily basis and I love that. There is no love like the love for your child. It doesn't get any better than that.
Hayley and her Pawpaw
I thought since my dad wasn't physically here to share her 5th birthday w/ her, I would write about her love for him, and his for her. Although, he wasn't enthused about me getting pregnant, she had his heart from the beginning. I know my daddy loved all his grand kids the same, but same w/ us, for different reasons. Hayley was the only girl, and my daddy shared a different bond w/ her. She thought her pawpaw hung the moon. Even on his worst days, when his sugar would be sky high, he would be out playing w/ her or teaching her something. He spent quality time w/ her and she loved him because of that. He seemed to be one of the few that actually understood her. Because me and my daddy were so close she saw him often, and when she hadn't seen him for a couple of days she'd ask to see him. He had a love for kids like no other. He would just sit and talk and talk to Hayley for hours. Kids tend to drive you crazy w/ their excessive talking, but not him. That is before he got really sick, or course. Hayley knew when my dad felt bad and she would always ask him "What's wrong, pawpaw?" He never would say he felt bad, she just knew. He was watching her one day for me, it was a couple of weeks before he started turning jaundice, and she kept asking him what was wrong w/ him. He told me when I got back that he felt really bad and that Hayley had really shown some concern for him. When my dad got sick and came to stay w/ us she was so excited. She helped give him his medicine, take him his drinks....she loved being a part of it. If he had a bandage on, she had to have one, too. I noticed towards the end of my dad's life that her behavior seemed to change a good bit. Don't get me wrong, Hayley's always been a handful, but she acted out a lot more over little things. She would throw major temper tantrums, and I always passed it off as "Hayley w/ the strong personality." After daddy passed, she got even worse. It was horrible to deal w/ her. She acted out everyday for about 3-4 weeks following his death. I look back on it now and clearly see that she was truly just grieving herself, but didn't know how to handle it.
Hayley has always been real big on hugs and kisses before leaving someone. Because of that on the day my daddy passed away, I wanted her to come over and give him her love because I knew she'd never see him again. Heartbreaking. *Tears now as I type*. Daddy wasn't really aware of anything, but I let her come in and say her goodbyes. (Of course I never told her it was her last......I mean, really, who could do that?). She told him bye and said she loved him, and kissed him as he laid there. I'm sure he was aware of it because of the love she had for him, as him w/ her, but he had no way to let anybody know he could hear us. That evening he passed. The next morning we met for the funeral arrangements and afterwards met over at my daddy's house. Hayley's granny (Chris's mom) had her for a couple of days during this whole process, and she met us over there w/ Hayley. It was the strangest thing I had ever seen...........My mom was standing in front of the room he had passed away in with her back to it. By this time, he was no longer there of course, and neither was his hospital bed. Just an empty spot. Hayley came in and went straight to her Mimi (my mom) to hug her. When she did, she had her head on her shoulder looking into the room my dad was in. Seeing the empty spot and all. She never not once said "Where's pawpaw?". This was so unlike her............ She knew. She didn't have to ask.....she just knew. The next day I learned that after she hugged my mother, and realized pawpaw wasn't there, she went outside and immediately started questioning my nephew Braxton. She said "Where's pawpaw?" He explained to her he had went to Heaven. She never said anything else about it until a good while later. Now she speaks of him often. I hear her weekly say she misses her pawpaw, and wants to see him. I've even heard her say she's ready to go to heaven. This is one thing a parent never wants to hear her child say, but I understood her. I know what she means. She just wants her pawpaw back, as I do. We all do.
My goal now is to forever keep his memory alive. She is so young, I know she will remember some things, but not all. I will forever speak of her pawpaw to her and tell her all about him. I don't ever want her to forget who he was; A man that she and I both looked up to and loved more than life. Now, our angel.
On a brighter note, Happy Birthday to my sweet baby, Hayley! I am so very blessed to be her mommy =)
My Pregnancy with Hayley
I didn't know I was expecting for a short while of course. My sister had taken me to Six Flags for my birthday. We had so much fun. Rode every ride, including the Acrophobia three times. When we left, I was deathly sick. I just chalked it up to being too "old" to handle the rides anymore. After a week or so of slowly losing my hair, I knew something wasn't right with me. It wasn't until I ran past Chris hurling when the thought entered my mind, "I think I might be pregnant". I was.........9 weeks to be exact.
I immediately called Teri. She came over and I took a pregnancy test. There it was.....positive. I was scared to death. When Chris got home, I told him. His reply, "Omg....How?"...Ummmmmm.....Really? LOL. Once Chris knew, I would begin to call our families and tell them. My mom, his mom, my sister, etc.. The person I didn't call...................my dad. Even though I had been married for 3 years, I just couldn't tell him. I remembered how upset he became with Candyce for getting pregnant with Braxton. She had been married for a while, too. How would he react?? I held off telling him for a while, and when I finally went to do it, I was terrified. To this day I can remember exactly where I was standing when I was talking to him. Of course I did it over the phone. I know, tacky, right?! Well! I wasn't going to tell him to his face! He would have access to me if I did that. I called and was crying before I even told him. He reacted just the way I thought....he was irate. He started screaming at me, asking me what I was thinking. I listened to him for about 5 minutes or so, and finally responded with, "What do you want me to do?? Have an abortion? Give it up for adoption? Would THAT make you feel better?!" He paused. Dead silence on the phone, and then said, "No baby, that's not what I want at all. Everything's going to be okay." At the time, I truly didn't know why he was upset. All I could think was he just wanted me to have some schooling under my belt, and to be stable. Now, when I think back on it, and realize how things had changed once I had Hayley, I've realized what it was. My daddy was my best friend. We did everything together; our shopping, our bill paying, etc.. Like I said in the previous post, I would cook at home and drive him a plate before I would eat. He knew when I had this baby, it wouldn't be like that anymore. The baby would come first, and him last. You may think that's selfish of him, but I don't. He was simply scared of losing me. I realized once I had Hayley that a lot of things did change in a sense. Of course, she was my number one priority, but me and my daddy still remained closer than ever, and in addition, we had Hayley. A new love.
Pregnancy was not what I expected by any means. I always thought that when I got pregnant, I could eat whatever I wanted and have an excuse to be fat. Yeah, no. That didn't play out considering I stayed sick my entire pregnancy. I threw up almost everyday, and sometimes a few times a day. It was weird because I couldn't eat anything that was warm to the touch..i.e. If it just came off the stove, or out of the oven, etc.. I could only eat sandwiches, things like that. Even then I would be nauseated, but I wouldn't have to make a mad dash to the commode. I remember one day I was starving. I was about 6 or 7 months into my pregnancy, and just wanted a big fat cheeseburger. I knew it would make me sick, but at that point I didn't care. I ran through McDonald's got me a cheeseburger and fries. I started heading home and I was cramming it in my mouth. As soon as I took the last bite, before I cold even pull my car over, I spewed. Everywhere. I had to drive home w/ vomit sitting in my lap. Then I had to clean it all up =(. Brutal to say the least.
Aside from the sickness, for the most part of my pregnancy, it went smoothly. Well, until the end. During my last month of pregnancy, my blood pressure was always high. I would have to make continuous trips to the doctor. Finally, a week and a half before my due date (Feb. 1st), it had gotten really high. I made my normal trip to the doctor. The nurse that checked my blood pressure had said, "I hope you have your bags packed". I didn't. And I didn't like that statement. I wasn't like most pregnant women. They get so far along, and you hear them say "I am just ready to have him/her....I'm miserable". Not me. I was miserable, but I was terrified. I wanted her to stay as long as she wanted, and I wouldn't have any objections. After the doctor came in, and what ended in one of the most painful moments of my life, she told me to go straight to the hospital. I panicked. I said "What? Wait.....can I at least go home and get some things and then report to the hospital?" Her reply, "You go straight home, and you be back at that hospital in an hour." She scolded me. I mean, what did she think I would do? Runaway? Unfortunately this wasn't something I could run from.
Labor and Delivery
Chris came home and we went to the hospital. They started inducing that night on January 19th, and woke me up at 8 a.m. to break my water. Everything went smoothly until then. I have to admit though, I really only had about 20 minutes of true pain. Yes, I cried. I'm a wimp and I can admit that. It all happened so fast. Even the nurse was shocked. She told my family to go on downstairs and to grab something to eat that it would be a while. Pretty well as soon as they left I told her I was hurting and I felt like the baby was coming. She said "No, it just feels like it. You're okay." Not too long after that I expressed the importance of my concern. I told her I knew the baby was coming. She said "I don't think so, but I will check you to make you feel better." I still remember the look on her face when she checked me. Priceless. She said "You're ready! Call your family back up!"....She rushed out, and my brother-in-law said she came out of the room rushing saying "Get the doctor! Now!" The doctor came in just in time to deliver Hayley. Finally. I was so aggravated because they kept telling me to hold her in. I'm sorry, but when you are in labor, there is "no holding it in". The baby is coming whether you like it or not. I had everybody in the room w/ me: Chris, My mom, Chris's mom, and my sister.....w/ my dad yelling over the curtain every few minutes. Funny. Hayley was born at 10:46 a.m. 20 in. long and weighed 7lbs and 1 oz. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. Still is.
Hayley
We brought Hayley home the next day and it was heavenly. Until the acid reflux/colic kicked in. She was allergic to all her formulas, and she just hurt all the time. She cried all day, and all night. I felt so bad for her. As a new mom I didn't know what to do. I would hold her close, rock her, but nothing seemed to soothe her. I tried everything. At one point I can actually remember putting her in her pumpkin seat and literally swinging her back and forth by hand. The swing wouldn't work for her so I thought I would manually do it. I looked forward to the three month mark of her life because that's when they say the colic subsides. The colic subsided, but not the crying. She was still miserable from the acid reflux, and so was I. There were countless nights that I sat and cried w/ her. It was horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
As she got older, the crying wasn't near as bad, but because she spent most of her life whining and crying, she continued it on. She has been a handful for sure. It has been a crazy 5 years, but I'd relive it all over again in a second. She's so smart and has a great personality. She makes me laugh on a daily basis and I love that. There is no love like the love for your child. It doesn't get any better than that.
Hayley and her Pawpaw
I thought since my dad wasn't physically here to share her 5th birthday w/ her, I would write about her love for him, and his for her. Although, he wasn't enthused about me getting pregnant, she had his heart from the beginning. I know my daddy loved all his grand kids the same, but same w/ us, for different reasons. Hayley was the only girl, and my daddy shared a different bond w/ her. She thought her pawpaw hung the moon. Even on his worst days, when his sugar would be sky high, he would be out playing w/ her or teaching her something. He spent quality time w/ her and she loved him because of that. He seemed to be one of the few that actually understood her. Because me and my daddy were so close she saw him often, and when she hadn't seen him for a couple of days she'd ask to see him. He had a love for kids like no other. He would just sit and talk and talk to Hayley for hours. Kids tend to drive you crazy w/ their excessive talking, but not him. That is before he got really sick, or course. Hayley knew when my dad felt bad and she would always ask him "What's wrong, pawpaw?" He never would say he felt bad, she just knew. He was watching her one day for me, it was a couple of weeks before he started turning jaundice, and she kept asking him what was wrong w/ him. He told me when I got back that he felt really bad and that Hayley had really shown some concern for him. When my dad got sick and came to stay w/ us she was so excited. She helped give him his medicine, take him his drinks....she loved being a part of it. If he had a bandage on, she had to have one, too. I noticed towards the end of my dad's life that her behavior seemed to change a good bit. Don't get me wrong, Hayley's always been a handful, but she acted out a lot more over little things. She would throw major temper tantrums, and I always passed it off as "Hayley w/ the strong personality." After daddy passed, she got even worse. It was horrible to deal w/ her. She acted out everyday for about 3-4 weeks following his death. I look back on it now and clearly see that she was truly just grieving herself, but didn't know how to handle it.
Hayley has always been real big on hugs and kisses before leaving someone. Because of that on the day my daddy passed away, I wanted her to come over and give him her love because I knew she'd never see him again. Heartbreaking. *Tears now as I type*. Daddy wasn't really aware of anything, but I let her come in and say her goodbyes. (Of course I never told her it was her last......I mean, really, who could do that?). She told him bye and said she loved him, and kissed him as he laid there. I'm sure he was aware of it because of the love she had for him, as him w/ her, but he had no way to let anybody know he could hear us. That evening he passed. The next morning we met for the funeral arrangements and afterwards met over at my daddy's house. Hayley's granny (Chris's mom) had her for a couple of days during this whole process, and she met us over there w/ Hayley. It was the strangest thing I had ever seen...........My mom was standing in front of the room he had passed away in with her back to it. By this time, he was no longer there of course, and neither was his hospital bed. Just an empty spot. Hayley came in and went straight to her Mimi (my mom) to hug her. When she did, she had her head on her shoulder looking into the room my dad was in. Seeing the empty spot and all. She never not once said "Where's pawpaw?". This was so unlike her............ She knew. She didn't have to ask.....she just knew. The next day I learned that after she hugged my mother, and realized pawpaw wasn't there, she went outside and immediately started questioning my nephew Braxton. She said "Where's pawpaw?" He explained to her he had went to Heaven. She never said anything else about it until a good while later. Now she speaks of him often. I hear her weekly say she misses her pawpaw, and wants to see him. I've even heard her say she's ready to go to heaven. This is one thing a parent never wants to hear her child say, but I understood her. I know what she means. She just wants her pawpaw back, as I do. We all do.
My goal now is to forever keep his memory alive. She is so young, I know she will remember some things, but not all. I will forever speak of her pawpaw to her and tell her all about him. I don't ever want her to forget who he was; A man that she and I both looked up to and loved more than life. Now, our angel.
On a brighter note, Happy Birthday to my sweet baby, Hayley! I am so very blessed to be her mommy =)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Memories
Where to begin? I guess I'll start w/ just a few of the memories I have w/ my father. After all, I am trying to get all my daily thoughts out to relieve the pain that remains in my heart.
I think it was pretty clear in my first blog how I felt about my father. In my mind, there was no better. Of course he wasn't a saint. He had many flaws just like all parents do. I think the thing that set him apart from many dads out there, was the fact that he truly enjoyed spending time w/ us. He didn't do it because he felt like that's what he needed to do. He did it because we were his life. I am fully convinced that everything my dad did in his life was for us.
I can remember countless times him being outside in the yard w/ us. Playing ball and doing just whatever. He'd get out in the yard and do flips to impress us. Daddy was always know for being really athletic. He was the star football player during his high school years at Emma Sansom, and he was known to several for being the only white guy they knew that could dunk a basketball. He loved getting on the trampoline and showing off his skills for us. And of course, at that age, we couldn't do anything like that so we were blown away. He loved that we doted on him.
I can remember being so young, (so young my parents were still married) and riding with him many of times in his old Dodge truck. The ugliest truck ever. Even back then....it was pitiful. I didn't care though. I would stand right beside him as he would drive down the road and twirl his hair. There was no place I'd rather of been either. I can specifically remember a few songs he would always sing to me when I was little girl: Don't worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin, Fishin' in the Dark by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, and Na Na Na Na.....Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye! To this day when I hear any of those songs, I immediately feel warm inside.
Daddy had a love for life. He loved getting out and doing things. When I was little he would take me mud riding, fishing, etc.. He always wanted to take me frog gigging, but I wasn't up to that considering it would be late at night, and dealing w/ frogs. That's scary for a little girl. He loved to go camping, and he would often set his massive tent up in his own backyard for us. We thought that was the coolest thing ever. The tent was huge. It looked like a tent that came from the military; it had different sections in it. Back then, to us, it was awesome. We thought we were THE coolest kids on the block. We were. Not because of the tent, but because nobody else had a daddy like ours.
Daddy got us every other weekend, and then we would stay w/ him for weeks at a time during the summers. Every summer, he would always take us to the Braves game, the beach, just wherever really. He'd always take us to Six Flags and that was one trip I never looked forward to. Why? Because I was scared to ride any of the rides. I would stand there, while him and Candyce would ride on those rides, and I hated every second of it. I hated it because Candyce was stealing my daddy's attention. She knew what she was doing. She'd be like "Oh! I'll ride it, daddy!"....I despised that. It drove me crazy for anybody to have his attention other than me. I was like this till the day he died. Me and Candyce spent most of our lives competing for his love. I don't know why....It's not like we ever had to do that. He loved us equally and all for different reasons (aside from the fact that he had to because we were his kids).
One summer he bought us a horse. Sadie was her name. He lived in Walnut Park so it was clear he had nowhere to keep this horse so he kept it at a friends house. His friend lived in Attalla. Every weekend when it was his weekend to have us, he'd go get that horse and ride it all the way home. When we'd get there the horse would be soaking wet from the long ride, and tied to a pole. All for us. We would ride on the horse all weekend....... well, THEY would ride on the horse all weekend because I was terrifed of it. That's something that used to aggravate daddy. He had such a love for everything, and he wanted me to do the same, but I couldn't. I was scared of everything. I can still hear his voice "Taylor! Just do it! It's not gonna hurt you!"........
He never had a whole lot of money, and by the time child support came out of his check he was limited of what he could do. In fact, at one point, he worked three jobs just to survive: The City of Gadsden by day, Walmart (sporting goods) in the evening, and Sherry's Lounge through the night. Even though he was broke, he made every minute w/ us count. He wasn't lazy by any means. He worked all the time, and when he wasn't working he'd be playing. Whether it was w/ us or his friends. He always had to be doing something. When we'd go over to stay w/ him, we just wanted to sleep in. He'd wake us up every time w/ breakfast cooking and yelling "Let's get motivated!....We're gonna do something!" Of course at that time it was so aggravating, but now I'd give anything to go back to that.
In fact, since he's passed I am so guilt ridden over things like that. Even on his last days for a good while he always wanted to go. I didn't mind so much for the most part, but I can remember at one point just wishing we could stay home for one day. I had things that needed to be done. Clothes needed to be washed, the house needed to be clean, I wanted to just be lazy on occassions. I often think about that and it saddens me. Although I was drained (physically and emotionally), I should have fullfilled his every wish. He knew he didn't have long to live. Although, I knew it as well, I didn't want to believe it. My dad was invincible. He was the strongest person I had ever known. He wouldn't die. He'd beat this.
Little did I know what was in store for me. For any of us. You just can't accept something like that. No matter how prepared you think you are......you never really are. I knew I'd hurt when I lost him, but until I experienced it, I never knew the true pain I would feel.
I think it was pretty clear in my first blog how I felt about my father. In my mind, there was no better. Of course he wasn't a saint. He had many flaws just like all parents do. I think the thing that set him apart from many dads out there, was the fact that he truly enjoyed spending time w/ us. He didn't do it because he felt like that's what he needed to do. He did it because we were his life. I am fully convinced that everything my dad did in his life was for us.
I can remember countless times him being outside in the yard w/ us. Playing ball and doing just whatever. He'd get out in the yard and do flips to impress us. Daddy was always know for being really athletic. He was the star football player during his high school years at Emma Sansom, and he was known to several for being the only white guy they knew that could dunk a basketball. He loved getting on the trampoline and showing off his skills for us. And of course, at that age, we couldn't do anything like that so we were blown away. He loved that we doted on him.
I can remember being so young, (so young my parents were still married) and riding with him many of times in his old Dodge truck. The ugliest truck ever. Even back then....it was pitiful. I didn't care though. I would stand right beside him as he would drive down the road and twirl his hair. There was no place I'd rather of been either. I can specifically remember a few songs he would always sing to me when I was little girl: Don't worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin, Fishin' in the Dark by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, and Na Na Na Na.....Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye! To this day when I hear any of those songs, I immediately feel warm inside.
Daddy had a love for life. He loved getting out and doing things. When I was little he would take me mud riding, fishing, etc.. He always wanted to take me frog gigging, but I wasn't up to that considering it would be late at night, and dealing w/ frogs. That's scary for a little girl. He loved to go camping, and he would often set his massive tent up in his own backyard for us. We thought that was the coolest thing ever. The tent was huge. It looked like a tent that came from the military; it had different sections in it. Back then, to us, it was awesome. We thought we were THE coolest kids on the block. We were. Not because of the tent, but because nobody else had a daddy like ours.
Daddy got us every other weekend, and then we would stay w/ him for weeks at a time during the summers. Every summer, he would always take us to the Braves game, the beach, just wherever really. He'd always take us to Six Flags and that was one trip I never looked forward to. Why? Because I was scared to ride any of the rides. I would stand there, while him and Candyce would ride on those rides, and I hated every second of it. I hated it because Candyce was stealing my daddy's attention. She knew what she was doing. She'd be like "Oh! I'll ride it, daddy!"....I despised that. It drove me crazy for anybody to have his attention other than me. I was like this till the day he died. Me and Candyce spent most of our lives competing for his love. I don't know why....It's not like we ever had to do that. He loved us equally and all for different reasons (aside from the fact that he had to because we were his kids).
One summer he bought us a horse. Sadie was her name. He lived in Walnut Park so it was clear he had nowhere to keep this horse so he kept it at a friends house. His friend lived in Attalla. Every weekend when it was his weekend to have us, he'd go get that horse and ride it all the way home. When we'd get there the horse would be soaking wet from the long ride, and tied to a pole. All for us. We would ride on the horse all weekend....... well, THEY would ride on the horse all weekend because I was terrifed of it. That's something that used to aggravate daddy. He had such a love for everything, and he wanted me to do the same, but I couldn't. I was scared of everything. I can still hear his voice "Taylor! Just do it! It's not gonna hurt you!"........
He never had a whole lot of money, and by the time child support came out of his check he was limited of what he could do. In fact, at one point, he worked three jobs just to survive: The City of Gadsden by day, Walmart (sporting goods) in the evening, and Sherry's Lounge through the night. Even though he was broke, he made every minute w/ us count. He wasn't lazy by any means. He worked all the time, and when he wasn't working he'd be playing. Whether it was w/ us or his friends. He always had to be doing something. When we'd go over to stay w/ him, we just wanted to sleep in. He'd wake us up every time w/ breakfast cooking and yelling "Let's get motivated!....We're gonna do something!" Of course at that time it was so aggravating, but now I'd give anything to go back to that.
In fact, since he's passed I am so guilt ridden over things like that. Even on his last days for a good while he always wanted to go. I didn't mind so much for the most part, but I can remember at one point just wishing we could stay home for one day. I had things that needed to be done. Clothes needed to be washed, the house needed to be clean, I wanted to just be lazy on occassions. I often think about that and it saddens me. Although I was drained (physically and emotionally), I should have fullfilled his every wish. He knew he didn't have long to live. Although, I knew it as well, I didn't want to believe it. My dad was invincible. He was the strongest person I had ever known. He wouldn't die. He'd beat this.
Little did I know what was in store for me. For any of us. You just can't accept something like that. No matter how prepared you think you are......you never really are. I knew I'd hurt when I lost him, but until I experienced it, I never knew the true pain I would feel.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Me =)
Here are the basics......My name is Taylor. I was born on May 27th, 1982 in Gadsden, Alabama. I have one sister: Candyce (30), and two brothers: Murphy (25) and Vance (19). My mom's name is Nikki Stewart, my stepdad is Ej Stewart, and my late father is Vance Whitaker. I married Chris Murray in August of 2002, and we had our daughter, Hayley Grace in 2006. I have two nephews that are the light of my life. Candyce and her husband Tyson have a son named Braxton, who will be 10 in March. My brother Murphy has a son named Bryce. He will be 4 in July. I have a handful of close friends that help complete me.
I have decided to do this whole "blog" thing basically for my own therapy. I recently lost my father this past September (09/30/10), and I have really had a hard time dealing w/ this. I thought if I spent a little time each week writing my thoughts or what not, it would help me to cope better. So here I go........
My Life..........
My parent's divorced when I was small. Can't really remember exactly how old I was. Maybe 3 or 4? Candyce, my sister, born first, then me, and then my brother, Murphy. A few years after my mom and dad split, My dad remarried. Not long after that he and his new wife had my baby brother Vance. I think he was a year, or possibly even 2 when my dad had divorced his mother? My mom remarried around this time. That would now be my stepdad, Ej Stewart. I guess you could say he "rescued" my mom and us in a sense. Although my mom worked hard for everything we had, we still didn't have much. She was a single mom of 3, what do you expect? Me and my siblings lived w/ my mom and stepdad, and went to visit my daddy every other weekend. I have many memories of my life w/ both of my parents, but because our time w/ daddy was limited, he would always make it extra special.
Although I came from a broken family, I have been so very blessed. My mother is a "go-getter" I guess you could say, and as far back as I can remember she has always worked/went to school to give us the life she never had. (She lost her mother at an early age and it is to my understanding that her dad pretty well gave her to the neighbors.) For someone like her to come from that life, and give the life she has to her children....it speaks volumes. Couldn't ask for a better mother. My daddy began working w/ the City of Gadsden in the early 80's and finally retired two years before he passed. He wasn't so much the "go-getter", but I could never ask for a better father, either. For the most part, we were his life. He didn't see us often, but when he did, he spent 100% of that time w/ us. My stepdad.....Well, what can I say? He married a woman (my mom) w/ 3 children, and has spent the past 17, 18? years loving us, and providing for us like we were his own. I think he needs no further description. Amazing man. As far as my siblings, I have always been extremely close w/ all of them. Although we have spent most of our lives bickering back and forth, I truly believe we will always be close, especially considering what we all endured over 2010 from the loss of our father.
Although I loved my parents equally, I was a daddy's girl in every sense of the word. Everything he did, I did. Whatever he ate, I ate. Whether I liked it or not. (I say this because I can specifically remember eating really gross things and doing it all for him) Why?? For his attention, of course! I remained close to him for the better part of my chilhood. Until I reached my "crazy" teen years that he would have never approved of in a million years. Of course my mother wouldn't have either. I remember a stretch in my teen years that I wasn't as close to him as I had been my whole life. You know...usual teen stuff....friends, boys....no time for "family". Although I have always shared a closeness w/ my mother as well, I think I probably spent my better teen years being a momma's girl.
In 2001, my mom and stepdad decided they wanted to move south. I was devastated. I was given the choice to go w/ them or stay here w/ my dad. I couldn't leave my boyfriend (now husband), and all my friends. The only choice I had was to live w/my dad. I was terrified of what my life would be like. I know at this point I was 19, but I had never lived w/ my dad full-time. What would that be like??? He was still going out partying. Not to mention he had lived alone for years and was pretty well set in his ways. The day my mom left, I thought I might die. I felt so empty . My life as I once knew it, was over. Little did I know that I would soon become "daddy's girl" all over again. From that moment on, I took care of my dad. I cooked. I cleaned. Washed clothes, sorted and fed his medicine to him. (He had been diagnosed w/ diabetes at the age of 35). I never stopped either. I married Chris a little over a year later and continued taking care of my father. Chris would get so aggravated w/ me (this was understandable at the time) because I would cook dinner at home, and before I would eat, I would fix my dad a plate and drive it to his house. I worried about him as if he were my child.....and that never stopped either....Not until he took his last breath.
After my mother and stepdad moved off, of course I still remained close to them as well. I know for the first 5 years after their move, we probably spoke 3-5 times daily. We went to visit them often, and I eventually became grateful for their move. I knew she wasn't happy here, and she was there. I actually, in a strange way, felt closer to her because I spoke more to her after she moved than I did when she lived here because I was never home. Not to mention the free vacation getaway to the beach at any given time. She still lives in South Florida, and in fact, me, Hayley, and Murphy just went and visited a few weeks ago. It makes our time w/ her all the more special.
In December of 2009, my dad began to get sick. Murphy had initially noticed he looked a little jaundice. A week later, Me, Hayley, Daddy, and my best friend Eddie had went to lunch. Hayley asked him why is eyes were yellow, which aroused our attention. We immediately went to the doctor's office. After what seemed to be a billion test later, and a few months down the road, we were still unsure of why he was jaundice. Clearly it was his liver, but we didn't know the cause, and the doctors didn't seem to know either. He was passed from doctor to doctor. Even the best of the best didn't seem to have the answers. All we know is he had liver disease and a majority of it seemed to be caused from diabetes. He gradually went down hill. Major weight loss, constant vomiting...It seemed any symptom you could have, he had. It eventually got to the point of making weekly visits to doctors offices. With a bi-weekly visits to the hospital to have his belly drained of all the fluid that would build up. Unfortunately, he didn't qualify for a liver transplant because of his health (diabetes, etc.).
When dad left the hospital after a two week stay in December, we all decided he couldn't stay by himself. He needed to be taken care of. We all agreed that he may be more comfortable at my sister's house. 1. It is far more spacious than mine 2. She didn't have a 3 almost 4 year old running around screaming constantly. Due to his diabetes, he suffered from tremendous nerve damage. I knew if my nerves could barely handle it, his for sure couldn't. He stayed w/ my sister for a while and because she worked during the day, there was nobody there to care for him during that time. Murphy would stay and help. I would go over on most days and sit w/ him, get him out of the house, talk for hours, whatever he felt like doing. At night she would have him. Around the beginning of summer I had requested he come stay w/ me for a while. She was worn down (which was understandable because the whole ordeal wasn't only physically draining, but emotionally as well). I wasn't working so I knew it would be easier on me to move him to my house. It had became exhausting traveling back and forth everyday, especially with Hayley. After he moved in w/ me, he worsened, of course. Over time, Murphy eventually came to stay w/ me as well. His health had gotten to the point to where you could noticeably tell a difference from week to week. He would lash out at me and Murphy at any given moment (this was particularly hard for us because it just wasn't him. He would say hurtful things, and then later cry from the guilt and say he couldn't help it). His mind was in and out. He would eventually start calling me "Nikki" (my mother) from time to time, and it had finally gotten to the point to where he had to wear diapers, and he would have seizures on and off throughout the day. My brother would sleep right beside him every night in case he needed something throughout the night.
During his stay w/ me and my sister, he had paid someone to come in and renovate his home. His house was older than him. In fact, he and his two cousins were born in that house, his sister had married in that house, and his brother and father both had passed away in that house. You can imagine how old it is. He had always wanted to put some work into, but never seemed to have the money. After retirement and getting approved for disability, he finally had the funds to put into it. He was so excited about this. Once the renovating had gotten done, it needed to be cleaned out and up. He had stored a lot of things in his bedroom, and unfortunately didn't have that room touched during the renovations, and it needed to be cleaned out. The last couple of weeks of his life it was clear that he was getting worse by the day. We knew he wanted to be home. Murphy sat w/ him during the day, and between me, Candyce, and my best friends Teri & Eddie, we finally had his house ready for him to move into.
We moved my daddy home on 09/28/10. We got him situated, and late that night me and Candyce came home to rest because by this point we literally had no strength to lift our heads. Murphy and Vance had spent the night w/ him to care for him. The next morning we were over there bright and early and that night on 09/29/10, everyone of us spent the night. At this point he was having seizures every 5 minutes, or so it seemed, and it terrified us. We didn't want him scared so we all rotated shifts throughout the night to be up w/ him in case something had happened. The next day, on 09/30/10, my daddy passed away. Age 52, in the very room his father passed away, at the exact same age. I saw my father take his last breath and on that day, I honestly wanted to take my last breath.
Even before my father ever passed away, I see now I began the grieving process. I just didn't realize it. We all watched a man, our father, that we looked up to our whole lives, suffer for 10-11 months before he passed. For most of our lives we saw this man, whom in our mind, was the strongest person ever, get down to the size of a small woman, suffer, and die. I know people deal w/ things like this all the time and even worse, but I am here to tell you, it is more painful than anyone could ever imagine. Still, 3 1/2 months later my heart hurts just the same now, if not worse.
So here I am now..........Trying to keep going, keep my head up, and asking God everyday to pull me through to the next day. I am ready to begin my healing and I thought just maybe if I started "blogging" and getting all my thoughts down and out, I could hopefully finally begin that process.......
I have decided to do this whole "blog" thing basically for my own therapy. I recently lost my father this past September (09/30/10), and I have really had a hard time dealing w/ this. I thought if I spent a little time each week writing my thoughts or what not, it would help me to cope better. So here I go........
My Life..........
My parent's divorced when I was small. Can't really remember exactly how old I was. Maybe 3 or 4? Candyce, my sister, born first, then me, and then my brother, Murphy. A few years after my mom and dad split, My dad remarried. Not long after that he and his new wife had my baby brother Vance. I think he was a year, or possibly even 2 when my dad had divorced his mother? My mom remarried around this time. That would now be my stepdad, Ej Stewart. I guess you could say he "rescued" my mom and us in a sense. Although my mom worked hard for everything we had, we still didn't have much. She was a single mom of 3, what do you expect? Me and my siblings lived w/ my mom and stepdad, and went to visit my daddy every other weekend. I have many memories of my life w/ both of my parents, but because our time w/ daddy was limited, he would always make it extra special.
Although I came from a broken family, I have been so very blessed. My mother is a "go-getter" I guess you could say, and as far back as I can remember she has always worked/went to school to give us the life she never had. (She lost her mother at an early age and it is to my understanding that her dad pretty well gave her to the neighbors.) For someone like her to come from that life, and give the life she has to her children....it speaks volumes. Couldn't ask for a better mother. My daddy began working w/ the City of Gadsden in the early 80's and finally retired two years before he passed. He wasn't so much the "go-getter", but I could never ask for a better father, either. For the most part, we were his life. He didn't see us often, but when he did, he spent 100% of that time w/ us. My stepdad.....Well, what can I say? He married a woman (my mom) w/ 3 children, and has spent the past 17, 18? years loving us, and providing for us like we were his own. I think he needs no further description. Amazing man. As far as my siblings, I have always been extremely close w/ all of them. Although we have spent most of our lives bickering back and forth, I truly believe we will always be close, especially considering what we all endured over 2010 from the loss of our father.
Although I loved my parents equally, I was a daddy's girl in every sense of the word. Everything he did, I did. Whatever he ate, I ate. Whether I liked it or not. (I say this because I can specifically remember eating really gross things and doing it all for him) Why?? For his attention, of course! I remained close to him for the better part of my chilhood. Until I reached my "crazy" teen years that he would have never approved of in a million years. Of course my mother wouldn't have either. I remember a stretch in my teen years that I wasn't as close to him as I had been my whole life. You know...usual teen stuff....friends, boys....no time for "family". Although I have always shared a closeness w/ my mother as well, I think I probably spent my better teen years being a momma's girl.
In 2001, my mom and stepdad decided they wanted to move south. I was devastated. I was given the choice to go w/ them or stay here w/ my dad. I couldn't leave my boyfriend (now husband), and all my friends. The only choice I had was to live w/my dad. I was terrified of what my life would be like. I know at this point I was 19, but I had never lived w/ my dad full-time. What would that be like??? He was still going out partying. Not to mention he had lived alone for years and was pretty well set in his ways. The day my mom left, I thought I might die. I felt so empty . My life as I once knew it, was over. Little did I know that I would soon become "daddy's girl" all over again. From that moment on, I took care of my dad. I cooked. I cleaned. Washed clothes, sorted and fed his medicine to him. (He had been diagnosed w/ diabetes at the age of 35). I never stopped either. I married Chris a little over a year later and continued taking care of my father. Chris would get so aggravated w/ me (this was understandable at the time) because I would cook dinner at home, and before I would eat, I would fix my dad a plate and drive it to his house. I worried about him as if he were my child.....and that never stopped either....Not until he took his last breath.
After my mother and stepdad moved off, of course I still remained close to them as well. I know for the first 5 years after their move, we probably spoke 3-5 times daily. We went to visit them often, and I eventually became grateful for their move. I knew she wasn't happy here, and she was there. I actually, in a strange way, felt closer to her because I spoke more to her after she moved than I did when she lived here because I was never home. Not to mention the free vacation getaway to the beach at any given time. She still lives in South Florida, and in fact, me, Hayley, and Murphy just went and visited a few weeks ago. It makes our time w/ her all the more special.
In December of 2009, my dad began to get sick. Murphy had initially noticed he looked a little jaundice. A week later, Me, Hayley, Daddy, and my best friend Eddie had went to lunch. Hayley asked him why is eyes were yellow, which aroused our attention. We immediately went to the doctor's office. After what seemed to be a billion test later, and a few months down the road, we were still unsure of why he was jaundice. Clearly it was his liver, but we didn't know the cause, and the doctors didn't seem to know either. He was passed from doctor to doctor. Even the best of the best didn't seem to have the answers. All we know is he had liver disease and a majority of it seemed to be caused from diabetes. He gradually went down hill. Major weight loss, constant vomiting...It seemed any symptom you could have, he had. It eventually got to the point of making weekly visits to doctors offices. With a bi-weekly visits to the hospital to have his belly drained of all the fluid that would build up. Unfortunately, he didn't qualify for a liver transplant because of his health (diabetes, etc.).
When dad left the hospital after a two week stay in December, we all decided he couldn't stay by himself. He needed to be taken care of. We all agreed that he may be more comfortable at my sister's house. 1. It is far more spacious than mine 2. She didn't have a 3 almost 4 year old running around screaming constantly. Due to his diabetes, he suffered from tremendous nerve damage. I knew if my nerves could barely handle it, his for sure couldn't. He stayed w/ my sister for a while and because she worked during the day, there was nobody there to care for him during that time. Murphy would stay and help. I would go over on most days and sit w/ him, get him out of the house, talk for hours, whatever he felt like doing. At night she would have him. Around the beginning of summer I had requested he come stay w/ me for a while. She was worn down (which was understandable because the whole ordeal wasn't only physically draining, but emotionally as well). I wasn't working so I knew it would be easier on me to move him to my house. It had became exhausting traveling back and forth everyday, especially with Hayley. After he moved in w/ me, he worsened, of course. Over time, Murphy eventually came to stay w/ me as well. His health had gotten to the point to where you could noticeably tell a difference from week to week. He would lash out at me and Murphy at any given moment (this was particularly hard for us because it just wasn't him. He would say hurtful things, and then later cry from the guilt and say he couldn't help it). His mind was in and out. He would eventually start calling me "Nikki" (my mother) from time to time, and it had finally gotten to the point to where he had to wear diapers, and he would have seizures on and off throughout the day. My brother would sleep right beside him every night in case he needed something throughout the night.
During his stay w/ me and my sister, he had paid someone to come in and renovate his home. His house was older than him. In fact, he and his two cousins were born in that house, his sister had married in that house, and his brother and father both had passed away in that house. You can imagine how old it is. He had always wanted to put some work into, but never seemed to have the money. After retirement and getting approved for disability, he finally had the funds to put into it. He was so excited about this. Once the renovating had gotten done, it needed to be cleaned out and up. He had stored a lot of things in his bedroom, and unfortunately didn't have that room touched during the renovations, and it needed to be cleaned out. The last couple of weeks of his life it was clear that he was getting worse by the day. We knew he wanted to be home. Murphy sat w/ him during the day, and between me, Candyce, and my best friends Teri & Eddie, we finally had his house ready for him to move into.
We moved my daddy home on 09/28/10. We got him situated, and late that night me and Candyce came home to rest because by this point we literally had no strength to lift our heads. Murphy and Vance had spent the night w/ him to care for him. The next morning we were over there bright and early and that night on 09/29/10, everyone of us spent the night. At this point he was having seizures every 5 minutes, or so it seemed, and it terrified us. We didn't want him scared so we all rotated shifts throughout the night to be up w/ him in case something had happened. The next day, on 09/30/10, my daddy passed away. Age 52, in the very room his father passed away, at the exact same age. I saw my father take his last breath and on that day, I honestly wanted to take my last breath.
Even before my father ever passed away, I see now I began the grieving process. I just didn't realize it. We all watched a man, our father, that we looked up to our whole lives, suffer for 10-11 months before he passed. For most of our lives we saw this man, whom in our mind, was the strongest person ever, get down to the size of a small woman, suffer, and die. I know people deal w/ things like this all the time and even worse, but I am here to tell you, it is more painful than anyone could ever imagine. Still, 3 1/2 months later my heart hurts just the same now, if not worse.
So here I am now..........Trying to keep going, keep my head up, and asking God everyday to pull me through to the next day. I am ready to begin my healing and I thought just maybe if I started "blogging" and getting all my thoughts down and out, I could hopefully finally begin that process.......
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