I miss him.

A little heavy hearted tonight.  One year ago..........I remember it so clear.  Too clear, actually.

Tomorrow marks one year since daddy left.  

I miss him.  Yesterday, I was passing by the Gadsden Sports Complex (where he worked and spent a majority of his days before he retired).  I looked over and saw a truck that looked like one he used to drive home on his lunch breaks.  I thought about him sitting there in the truck and me whipping in there real quick like I used to do.  I even imagined me talking to him, and pulling away and saying, "I'll see you in a bit!".  For a moment, it honestly seemed real.  I smiled, and then realized it wasn't real.  Then it hit me (for the millionth time), the thought of how final death is..........how that will never happen again. 

I remember all too clear where I was at this time last year.  A place I never want to go back to for the rest of my life.  Not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally.  I never thought one year ago today, that I'd be worth anything.  Because he was no longer here, I felt my life was over as well.  But, here I am.  And I'm actually at a good place.  Or maybe it just feels good compared to the alternative??  I don't know.  Either way, Things are good.   

I was thinking earlier today about how much I miss him and why.  It's obvious when one of your parent's pass away, that you're gonna miss them.  But, I miss him for not only the fatherly role he played in my life..... I miss his friendship.  I miss having that one person that I could call at any time of the day with a problem, and him being there.  Don't get me wrong, I have great friends.  It's just not the same, though.  Sometimes I feel so lonely, and I think "If he were here I wouldn't feel this way".  And, I am sure that I wouldn't.  I miss cooking dinner and him bragging for days about how good it was and continuously asking when I'd cook it again for him.  I miss that no matter how much he disagreed with the things I did, he'd always say "I'm not gonna tell you what to do.  It's your life, and you have to do what you feel is best, BUT...........".  I miss getting in the car at any given time and riding over to his house just to sit with him and talk.  Now, when I ride by his house, I have to turn my head.  It pains me to even look in its direction.   I miss him how good he was with my daughter.  The way she admired him.  I miss walking in his house and hunting him down because he'd be "piddling", as he liked to call it. He'd have a million little things pulled out from cabinets, and just sitting there amazed at all the rinky dink things that he had accumulated and forgotten he had.   And even though I am an adult, I miss feeling like I should sneak around to do things because of the thought, "Omg....daddy will kill me if he knows......"  Most of all.......I miss taking care of him.

I was thinking earlier about how sad I feel on the inside when I think of him.  I thought about last year how emotional I was throughout the whole year, and how I was just not at a really good place in my life.  I remember crying to him and talking to him about things, and him laying in his hospital bed at Candyce's and saying, "Come here, baby".  I climbed on the bed with him and layed there beside him, and let him pet me as if I were a little girl all over again.  I loved it and I know he did, too.  Because even though I was crying and distraught, for a moment, I WAS his little girl again.  Lately, maybe because it is the one year anniversary, I've imagined how nice it would be to have him here.  To crawl up beside him and cry on his shoulder again.  About everything.  Only now, if I had him back, I don't think a sad tear would be shed.  Only tears of joy.

I am dreading tomorrow.  I am dreading it because of the way things ended.  I am dreading the thoughts that will be playing over and over in my head about his final day, and how brutal it was.  As bad as I don't want to have those thoughts, sometimes it's beyond my control.  I will spend the majority of the day tomorrow trying to put myself in a happy place, and I'm sure my siblings will be doing the same.  Please keep us in your prayers. 

Please don't mistake this blog for what it's not.  I'm obviously letting my emotions fly on this extremely emotional day.  I am happy.  Today was a good day.  I will make the best of tomorrow.   I have no choice.  The only choice that I have is to keep moving.....might as well do it with a smile. And I know that he'd want it no other way..........................

RIP, Daddy.  Forever on my mind, and in my heart.