Oh, How I love thee!

Okay.....It's been a bit since I have done one of these.  Really no excuses aside from the fact that I am just lazy.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and I know it's my own fault.  I get in these modes and don't wanna do anything, and just want to put everything off until the last minute.  I haven't figured out if it's because I just don't want to do them or if I like acting on impulse (haha).  It seems I get more accomplished when I have no other choice.  Hence it being two days left until I leave for Colorado, and have yet to wash clothes, pack, clean up the house, etc..  This is what's gonna happen.....mark my words:  I am going to wake up on Friday morning (The day I am leaving), and I am going to run through the house like a mad woman....washing clothes, packing, picking up the house.  Then I am gonna be gunning it to the airport to catch a flight, and then by the time I get on the plane I am gonna be ready to rip someone's head off.  This is how I am.  Do I like this about  myself??  Absolutely not.  Am I gonna change this about myself??  Absolutely not.  This is how I have handled things my whole life, and I am certain this is how the remainder of my life will be. Hi!  I'm Taylor, the biggest procrastinator on the planet.......welcome to my world.

This week has been rather calm.  Hayley had her birthday party on Saturday and it was at the bowling alley.  I had a lot of fun, and although I can't stand to lose (and I stink at bowling), I still had fun.  Everybody that I love to surround myself w/ was there.  Well, except for my mom and stepdad, but they are 800 miles away.  Had they been there it would have been complete.  I left her party feeling so good inside.  I guess I don't think about it from day to day as I should, but when people take the time out of their busy lives to attend something like that, it really means a lot.  I left thinking how very blessed me, Chris, and Hayley are.  To have the awesome people we have in our lives.  Of course, there was a piece of me saddened that my dad wasn't there.  I mean it hadn't seem that long ago that we were at that very spot w/ him celebrating Hayley's 4th birthday.  Even w/ him being sick and jaundiced he still got up there to bowl.  But, in a sense, He was with us.  I know he was looking down on us, and thinking the same thing I was; how very blessed we are.

I have some amazing people in my life.  Although, I can't take credit for their actions, I can however, take credit for allowing them to be in my life! Haha...kidding!  But in all seriousness......they're great!  If you know me at all you know that I am pretty well an open book.  I am like this because I have yet to be betrayed by anyone that I love.  I know, I know.  It can happen in an instant, but as for now.....it hasn't.  Sure I have had run ins w/ each of them, but every person that is in my life I trust w/ my whole heart.

As in my previous post, you can tell that I am extremely close w/ my parents.  I love them dearly.  I have however failed to mention my other parents, so to speak.  Chris's mom and stepdad. (We don't have a relationship with Chris's dad and wife and that will be a whole other post.  I am fully convinced they are the spawns of Satan.)  Anyway, ever since I have been w/ Chris, I have been really close to his mother, Patsy.  Of course we have had our moments, but for the most part we couldn't have been any closer.  Over the past year or so we haven't been as close as we were in the past, but that happens.  She remarried (finally, yeah!), and has her new life w/ her husband (Poppy George), and it seems I stay busy as well.  When you have so many friends, it tends to be difficult to share yourself equally amongst them all.  Hahah.....soooo kidding.  Patsy, aka Granny, has been very good to me.  She loves me like I am her own, and I love her for that.  And of course it's a given...Hayley is very close to her Granny.

Patsy and George married a few years ago, and he has really been a blessing to all of us.  Wasn't too sure about him at first, (mainly because of Patsy's history w/ no good men), but he turned out to be even better than I imagined him to be.  Hayley is crazy about him.  He treats Hayley like she's his grandchild and that makes me smile.  Especially now since my dad has passed, her other poppy (my stepdad) lives so far away, and her other, whatever you want to call him.....(Chris's no good, lousy father...Terry Murray) has nothing to do w/ her.  George has helped to fill that void in everyone's life.  It's sad that a man you've known for three years has been a better father to you than your own biological father (Chris's dad.....Like I said.....that will be a whole other post).  You often hear stories about people and their in-laws.  I would have to say that for me, that doesn't really apply.  I love spending time w/ them.....that is when I actually have the time.  I don't get to visit them much because sadly, when I have enough time to visit w/ them, I just want to stay home.  I have become quite the homebody over the past couple of years.  Possibly depression, but who knows?

Anyway, back on the topic.....Patsy and George.  George lost his father exactly one year prior to the date I lost my father.  Although they both had separate health issues, nonetheless, they still both suffered before their passing.  Of course each person is different, and each person handles things in their own way, but it still helps to know that he somewhat knows what I am feeling because until you've been there, you really don't know.   We will forever mourn the loss of our fathers on the same day together.  I remember when George lost his father.  I felt so bad for him.  But I clearly see now, I didn't truly know his hurt until I experienced it for myself.  As I stood at his fathers viewing, I never in a million years expected that exactly 1 year later, I'd be standing at mine.

I also stated in my previous post my relationship w/ my siblings.  Me and my sister have spent most of our lives fighting.  The worst of the worst, too, but we always end up closer than ever once we reconcile.  She's that one person that pops in your mind when you think those thoughts of  "Who would I call if THIS happened?".....Ummm...Candyce.  Haha....She may not be happy about it, but she'd do it.   Me and Candyce were always in competition so to speak for my dad's attention.  Of course I always won, because I would throw her under the bus w/ things that he didn't approve of.  I know that's dirty, but hey, I did what I thought I should do.  Candyce and daddy were close, but they spent the past many years on again off again.  I know this is because they were both so much alike.  He was a rebellion, just as she is.  For example, you can tell Candyce to do something and she will do just the opposite, so for her, it's always been good to use a little reverse psychology.  When shes got plans to do something that you think might not be a good idea, you just tell her it's good idea.  That's a good way to steer her in your direction.  Haha.  We are complete opposites in every sense of the word.  She's organized, on top of things, prepared, etc., and I am none of those things.  She puts her mind to something and she does it.  Me.....well, I put my mind to something and I talk myself out of it before it ever gets done. 

Murphy....well, what can I say?  Me and Murphy have a unique bond.  Murphy moved in w/ me and Chris the very first night we moved into our new home,  He lived w/ us for a good while, and then later, eventually moved out.  He's been w/ us off and on for the past 8 years.  We have spent a good part of this time laughing and cutting up over anything and everything.  Don't get me wrong, just like w/ my other siblings, we have had our fair share of fighting, but me and Murph understand one another.  We are very much different in a lot of ways, but we both have that laid back, go w/ the flow personality.Murphy spent a good part of his life looking up to my daddy.  Wanting to be just like him.  He is like him in a lot of ways.  Daddy would say that's a bad thing, but I tend to see some good qualities in Murphy that he got from my dad....i.e. He's a good daddy.  He doesn't have Bryce much, but when he does, he actually spends time w/ him.  He talks to him (much like my daddy used to do us), plays w/ him, and tells him continuously how much he loves him.  There's no doubt the love that Murphy has for Bryce, just as there was no doubt the love my dad had for us. 

Now, Vance.  I would say me and Vance are fairly close.  Because of the age difference between us, I have always played more of the "motherly" role to him..  When I say "motherly" role, that means telling him what he should or shouldn't do. Haha.  Now, since my dad has passed, me, Murphy, and Candyce, are all he has left as far as immediate family.   His mother has spent most of her life in and out of his.  And when I say in and out I mean, literally...stops in and says hey, and the next thing you know, he hasn't seen her in months.....even a year.  Bless his heart.  He has spent most of his life wondering if his mom was dead or alive.  Vance used to be extremely close w/ my dad, but as he got older he sort of drifted further away.  Don't get me wrong, they still spoke often, but just didn't see each other a whole lot.  A lot of things happened between my dad and Vance while my dad was sick.  Words were said that just couldn't be taken back. Because of this I feel an urge to let Vance know that I am here for him.  He was only 18 when my dad passed, and not to excuse him by any means, but I remember being that age.  You often do think of yourself more than others.  For this, I feel sorry for him.  He has a lot of guilt weighing on him, and he needs to be reassured that it's gonna be okay, and that he is loved.

I haven't mentioned my brother in law, Dustin,  which I feel maybe I should.  After all, he has been a really big part of our lives as well.  I don't see him often, but you can guarantee that if I picked up that phone to call on him for anything.....he'd be there in a split second.  He's crazy about Hayley, as she is him.  He gets her from time to time and spends time w/ her.  Spoils her...you know how that is.  Every outing she's ever had w/ Uncle Dustin you can bet your tail that she will come home w/ at least 3 toys.  He's great and we love him more than he knows.

Next, my nephews.  I have two nephews (actually three including Brayden, George's grandson).  I haven't even had a chance to see Brayden yet.  George's daughter, Deven, was in the army and stationed in Germany when he was born.  They haven't been home too long, but I still haven't had a chance to see him, and I am so ready to.  Anyway, Braxton and Bryce.  Along w/ Hayley, they are the light of my life.  Braxton and I have a bond like no other.  He used to be my life before Hayley was born.  I'd go pick him up 2-3 days a week from daycare and spend time w/ him.  Mostly I'd take him over to my dad's w/ me because daddy always liked to see him as well.  Hayley's was born right before Braxton turned 5.  Once you have your own child, it tends to be more difficult to do the things you did before.  I didn't see Braxton as often as I liked, but it was hard.  I was so engulfed in the whole motherhood lifestyle that I didn't have a whole lot of time outside of it.  I am still close to Braxton though.  He is a lot like me and I love that about him...haha!

Bryce.....soooooooo flippin' funny.  He doesn't even try to be.....he just is.  He is so much like my dad and Murphy that it's insane.  He looks exactly like Murphy when he was his age.  I mean....scary, like Murphy has been cloned or something.  Bryce is literally the ideal child.  Never whines, hardly ever cries, when he's sleepy....he lays down and says he's sleepy.  I'll go out on a limb and say that he is dern near the perfect child.  I am close to him as well.  Murphy gets him every other weekend, and on one of those days, if not all, he is at my house w/ or w/out Murphy.  He likes to come over and play w/ Hayley.  I don't know why, because all they do is fight.  Just like brother and sister.  You can put Braxton and Hayley in a room together for two days, and they will just wrestle and play........not Hayley and Bryce.  I am fully convinced that if you put those two in a room toegether like that.....one would be dead by the time you went to release them.

It's so strange how all of our personalities are so different, but yet the same.  You have me and Candyce...complete opposites.  Then you have Candyce and Hayley......just alike.  You have me and Hayley.....complete opposites.  Then you have me and Braxton....just alike.  Then you have Murphy and Bryce who are both just alike, and pretty well clash and get along w/ everyone about the same.  Odd.......

I am so blessed w/ great family, and feel even more blessed w/ my great friends.  I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in this world, and that's the truth.  I can honestly say that during this whole past year w/ my dad, that not one of my friends let me down.  In fact, I learned real quick what being a friend means.  I think back on things that took place during my dad's sickness and how all my friends helped me....and him.  I can remember Teri and Eddie going to my dad's w/ me and helped clean up his home so that I could bring him home.  Or the countless times Eddie would spend the night and sleep in there w/ my dad and Murphy and help my dad to the bathroom or with whatever he needed.  Or after my father passed, Kelly taking off work and missing her pay to pick my mom up from the airport so she could be there w/ us.  Or the countless times that Patsy, George, and Dustin would get Hayley so that I could have a break or so that I could take my dad to all his doctors visits.  Can't forget the daily phone calls from Candace that would help lift my spirits.  There are entirely too many things to even list about these people and why I love them so.  I could spend my entire life telling them what that meant to me, but it would never be enough.  I love all of them w/ all my heart and I know that I always will.

If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole grieving process, it's to always let the people you love know how very important they are to you.   There are so many things that I never said to my dad that I now wish I could.  Even though I spent a good part of my life caring for my dad and doing things for him, I still wish I would have told him every now and then how special he was to me.  I didn't ever tell him how much I loved him until he was lying on his death bed, unable to speak, unable to reciprocate.  That's a tough pill to swallow.  People say "Taylor, your daddy knew you loved him", but how could he possibly know that if I never told him just how much?  If I could give advice to anyone, it would be to tell the people you love how much you love them because you never know when it will be the last time.  My daddy was sick for almost a year.  I knew this.  I helped take care of him day after day, but there was one thing I never did during the whole year he was sick.  I never spoke to him about how much I loved him.  I never told him that he was my everything, and how appreciative I was for everything he had ever done for me.   And now, there is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if he heard my heart on the day he had died. 

Tomorrow is never promised.......