Hayley's 5! YIKES!

Well......It's my girls birthday.  Just 5 years ago, it was just me and Chris.  Clueless about the love we were about to experience.....

My Pregnancy with Hayley
 I didn't know I was expecting for a short while of course.  My sister had taken me to Six Flags for my birthday.  We had so much fun.  Rode every ride, including the Acrophobia three times.  When we left, I was deathly sick.  I just chalked it up to being too "old" to handle the rides anymore.  After a week or so of slowly losing my hair, I knew something wasn't right with me.  It wasn't until I ran past Chris hurling when the thought entered my mind, "I think I might be pregnant".  I was.........9 weeks to be exact.

I immediately called Teri.  She came over and I took a pregnancy test.  There it was.....positive.  I was scared to death.  When Chris got home, I told him.  His reply, "Omg....How?"...Ummmmmm.....Really?  LOL. Once Chris knew, I would begin to call our families and tell them.  My mom, his mom, my sister, etc..  The person I didn't call...................my dad.  Even though I had been married for 3 years, I just couldn't tell him.  I remembered how upset he became with Candyce for getting pregnant with Braxton.  She had been married for a while, too.  How would he react??  I held off telling him for a while, and when I finally went to do it, I was terrified.  To this day I can remember exactly where I was standing when I was talking to him.  Of course I did it over the phone.  I know, tacky, right?!  Well!  I wasn't going to tell him to his face!  He would have access to me if I did that.  I called and was crying before I even told him.  He reacted just the way I thought....he was irate.  He started screaming at me, asking me what I was thinking.  I listened to him for about 5 minutes or so, and finally responded with, "What do you want me to do??  Have an abortion?  Give it up for adoption?  Would THAT make you feel better?!"  He paused.  Dead silence on the phone, and then said, "No baby, that's not what I want at all.  Everything's going to be okay."  At the time, I truly didn't know why he was upset.  All I could think was he just wanted me to have some schooling under my belt, and to be stable.  Now, when I think back on it, and realize how things had changed once I had Hayley, I've realized what it was.  My daddy was my best friend.  We did everything together; our shopping, our bill paying, etc..  Like I said in the previous post, I would cook at home and drive him a plate before I would eat.  He knew when I had this baby, it wouldn't be like that anymore.  The baby would come first, and him last.  You may think that's selfish of him, but I don't.  He was simply scared of losing me.  I realized once I had Hayley that a lot of things did change in a sense.  Of course, she was my number one priority, but me and my daddy still remained closer than ever, and in addition, we had Hayley.  A new love.

Pregnancy was not what I expected by any means.  I always thought that when I got pregnant, I could eat whatever I wanted and have an excuse to be fat.  Yeah, no.  That didn't play out considering I stayed sick my entire pregnancy.  I threw up almost everyday, and sometimes a few times a day.  It was weird because I couldn't eat anything that was warm to the touch..i.e. If it just came off the stove, or out of the oven, etc..  I could only eat sandwiches, things like that.  Even then I would be nauseated, but I wouldn't have to make a mad dash to the commode.  I remember one day I was starving.  I was about 6 or 7 months into my pregnancy, and just wanted a big fat cheeseburger.  I knew it would make me sick, but at that point I didn't care.  I ran through McDonald's got me a cheeseburger and fries.  I started heading home and I was cramming it in my mouth.  As soon as I took the last bite, before I cold even pull my car over, I spewed.  Everywhere.  I had to drive home w/ vomit sitting in my lap.  Then I had to clean it all up =(.  Brutal to say the least.

Aside from the sickness, for the most part of my pregnancy, it went smoothly.  Well, until the end.  During my last month of pregnancy, my blood pressure was always high.  I would have to make continuous trips to the doctor.  Finally, a week and a half before my due date (Feb. 1st), it had gotten really high.  I made my normal trip to the doctor.  The nurse that checked my blood pressure had said, "I hope you have your bags packed".  I didn't.  And I didn't like that statement.  I wasn't like most pregnant women.  They get so far along, and you hear them say "I am just ready to have him/her....I'm miserable".  Not me. I was miserable, but I was terrified.  I wanted her to stay as long as she wanted, and I wouldn't have any objections. After the doctor came in, and what ended in one of the most painful moments of my life, she told me to go straight to the hospital.  I panicked.  I said "What?  Wait.....can I at least go home and get some things and then report to the hospital?"  Her reply, "You go straight home, and you be back at that hospital in an hour."  She scolded me.  I mean, what did she think I would do?  Runaway?  Unfortunately this wasn't something I could run from.

Labor and Delivery
Chris came home and we went to the hospital.  They started inducing that night on January 19th, and woke me up at 8 a.m. to break my water.  Everything went smoothly until then.  I have to admit though, I really only had about 20 minutes of true pain.  Yes, I cried.  I'm a wimp and I can admit that.  It all happened so fast.  Even the nurse was shocked.  She told my family to go on downstairs and to grab something to eat that it would be a while.  Pretty well as soon as they left I told her I was hurting and I felt like the baby was coming.  She said "No, it just feels like it.  You're okay."  Not too long after that I expressed the importance of my concern.  I told her I knew the baby was coming.  She said "I don't think so, but I will check you to make you feel better."  I still remember the look on her face when she checked me.  Priceless.  She said "You're ready!  Call your family back up!"....She rushed out, and my brother-in-law said she came out of the room rushing saying "Get the doctor! Now!"  The doctor came in just in time to deliver Hayley.  Finally.  I was so aggravated because they kept telling me to hold her in.  I'm sorry, but when you are in labor, there is "no holding it in".  The baby is coming whether you like it or not.  I had everybody in the room w/ me: Chris, My mom, Chris's mom, and my sister.....w/ my dad yelling over the curtain every few minutes.  Funny.  Hayley was born at 10:46 a.m. 20 in. long and weighed 7lbs and 1 oz.  She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on.  Still is.

Hayley
We brought Hayley home the next day and it was heavenly.  Until the acid reflux/colic kicked in.  She was allergic to all her formulas, and she just hurt all the time.  She cried all day, and all night.  I felt so bad for her.  As a new mom I didn't know what to do.  I would hold her close, rock her, but nothing seemed to soothe her.  I tried everything.  At one point I can actually remember putting her in her pumpkin seat and literally swinging her back and forth by hand.  The swing wouldn't work for her so I thought I would manually do it.  I looked forward to the three month mark of her life because that's when they say the colic subsides.   The colic subsided, but not the crying.  She was still miserable from the acid reflux, and so was I.  There were countless nights that I sat and cried w/ her.  It was horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

As she got older, the crying wasn't near as bad, but because she spent most of her life whining and crying, she continued it on.  She has been a handful for sure.  It has been a crazy 5 years, but I'd relive it all over again in a second. She's so smart and has a great personality.  She makes me laugh on a daily basis and I love that.  There is no love like the love for your child.  It doesn't get any better than that.

Hayley and her Pawpaw
I thought since my dad wasn't physically here to share her 5th birthday w/ her, I would write about her love for him, and his for her.  Although, he wasn't enthused about me getting pregnant, she had his heart from the beginning.  I know my daddy loved all his grand kids the same, but same w/ us, for different reasons.  Hayley was the only girl, and my daddy shared a different bond w/ her.  She thought her pawpaw hung the moon.  Even on his worst days, when his sugar would be sky high, he would be out playing w/ her or teaching her something.  He spent quality time w/ her and she loved him because of that.  He seemed to be one of the few that actually understood her.  Because me and my daddy were so close she saw him often, and when she hadn't seen him for a couple of days she'd ask to see him.  He had a love for kids like no other.  He would just sit and talk and talk to Hayley for hours.  Kids tend to drive you crazy w/ their excessive talking, but not him.  That is before he got really sick, or course.  Hayley knew when my dad felt bad and she would always ask him "What's wrong, pawpaw?"  He never would say he felt bad, she just knew.  He was watching her one day for me, it was a couple of weeks before he started turning jaundice, and she kept asking him what was wrong w/ him.  He told me when I got back that he felt really bad and that Hayley had really shown some concern for him.  When my dad got sick and came to stay w/ us she was so excited.  She helped give him his medicine, take him his drinks....she loved being a part of it.  If he had a bandage on, she had to have one, too.  I noticed towards the end of my dad's life that her behavior seemed to change a good bit.  Don't get me wrong, Hayley's always been a handful, but she acted out a lot more over little things.  She would throw major temper tantrums, and I always passed it off as "Hayley w/ the strong personality."  After daddy passed,  she got even worse.  It was horrible to deal w/ her.  She acted out everyday for about 3-4 weeks following his death.  I look back on it now and clearly see that she was truly just grieving herself, but didn't know how to handle it.

Hayley has always been real big on hugs and kisses before leaving someone.  Because of that on the day my daddy passed away, I wanted her to come over and give him her love because I knew she'd never see him again.  Heartbreaking. *Tears now as I type*.  Daddy wasn't really aware of anything, but I let her come in and say her goodbyes.  (Of course I never told her it was her last......I mean, really, who could do that?).  She told him bye and said she loved him, and kissed him as he laid there.  I'm sure he was aware of it because of the love she had for him, as him w/ her, but he had no way to let anybody know he could hear us.  That evening he passed.  The next morning we met for the funeral arrangements and afterwards met over at my daddy's house.  Hayley's granny (Chris's mom) had her for a couple of days during this whole process, and she met us over there w/ Hayley.  It was the strangest thing I had ever seen...........My mom was standing in front of the room he had passed away in with her back to it.  By this time, he was no longer there of course, and neither was his hospital bed.  Just an empty spot.  Hayley came in and went straight to her Mimi (my mom) to hug her.  When she did, she had her head on her shoulder looking into the room my dad was in. Seeing the empty spot and all.  She never not once said "Where's pawpaw?".  This was so unlike her............  She knew.  She didn't have to ask.....she just knew.  The next day I learned that after she hugged my mother, and realized pawpaw wasn't there, she went outside and immediately started questioning my nephew Braxton.  She said "Where's pawpaw?"  He explained to her he had went to Heaven.  She never said anything else about it until a good while later.  Now she speaks of him often.  I hear her weekly say she misses her pawpaw, and wants to see him.  I've even heard her say she's ready to go to heaven.  This is one thing a parent never wants to hear her child say, but I understood her.  I know what she means.  She  just wants her pawpaw back, as I do.  We all do.

My goal now is to forever keep his memory alive.  She is so young, I know she will remember some things, but not all.  I will forever speak of her pawpaw to her and tell her all about him.  I don't ever want her to forget who he was; A man that she and I both looked up to and loved more than life. Now, our angel.

On a brighter note, Happy Birthday to my sweet baby, Hayley!  I am so very blessed to be her mommy =)