One day at a time =)

Well, here I am again.  I have had a few things going on over the past week so I am slacking.  Since my last post I have:  painted my kitchen and dining room, attended the Darius Rucker and Brad Paisley concert, and went through 4 seasons of Desperate Housewives.  Yes, I know.  I have entirely way too much time on my hands.  I need a job. 

I finally decided to paint my dining room and kitchen after only 8 long years of looking at the same color.  It was green so I decided to paint it red.  I didn't like it at first, but it's really growing on me.   I can't decide if it's growing on me because I actually like the color, or because the thought of repainting makes me physically sick. It was a job for sure.  Let's just say it will probably be another 8 years or so before I decide to paint it again....whether I like the color or not.  I don't know what in the world I was thinking w/ a 5 year old present,  anyway.  I guess it worked out though.  She was so excited about painting it and she had a blast....and its over with.  Thank God.

After I spent the whole week painting and cleaning, me and Eddie went to see Darius Rucker and Brad Paisley in concert on Friday night.  I had a really good time.  Darius was great.  So was Brad, but I have never been too big of a fan of his.  I like a few of his songs, but not many.   It was nice to get out of the house and do something.  I find myself saying this all the time, but it's true.  When I have things to keep me busy, I seem more at ease (mentally), hence, needing a job =)

All the time I have had in between, I've spent watching Desperate Housewives.  I think it's clear......I'm an addict.  It is so good and I can't quit watching.  I watch one and then can't stand the suspense while waiting to see what happens on the next one, so I have to immediately watch another.  This is why I can't stand to watch things on tv and I'm always behind on everything.  The whole "waiting a week to see what happens" crap, I just can't handle.   It's just too much.  I am the same way w/ secrets, gifts, etc..  I can't stand when somebody has a secret and they won't tell me.  I mean.....if I don't know they have a secret, then clearly I don't mind.   Gifts.....same way.  If you tell me you have a surprise for me, I will do just about anything to figure out what it is before you have the chance to give it to me.  I mean, I would probably even contemplate breaking in your house just to see what it is.  Haha....kidding......sort of.  At Christmas, when I was little, I would always unwrap my presents to see what they were and then I'd wrap them back.  I hate that I am this way, but I can't help it.  Curiosity always seems to get the best of me. 

On a different note, I am so ready for spring and summer to get here.  Those are my months.  Even though I don't seem to have the energy I used to, I don't seem as depressed when it's warm out.  I think I have a bad case of seasonal depression.  I may have mentioned this before, but it's true.  It seems every time it gets cold out,  I turn into a hermit.  I hate cold weather and cloudy days. Blah.

I have wondered lately what it will be like w/out daddy here this summer.  That was his favorite time of year, too. Spring and summer.   He loved doing things outside.  The smell of fresh cut grass has always made me think of him.  I guess because I have so many memories of being out in the yard playing while he cut the grass, but I don't know.   It seems music and scents always take you back to a certain time in your life. 

 I know all of this is kind of boring, but this seems to be my life.  Boring...Lol.  I thought I would put some more of my feelings out there because it has sort of been on my mind for several days.  Someone called me last week, and told me that it seems I have a lot of guilt weighing on me from my dad.  I was assured that I had nothing to feel guilty about.  That I did everything I could have done for my daddy and couldn't have done any better.  I really did appreciate hearing that.  I have thought about it, and I guess I will get my thoughts out about that. 

Do I feel guilty? Absolutely.  I do have a lot of guilt weighing on me.  Sure, I was good to my daddy.  But I don't think I was as good to him as people think.  I see things that I could have done better or things maybe I shouldn't have done.  Don't get me wrong, I was never mean to him or anything like that, but I guess it's the thoughts that you have in your head that make you feel so guilty.  The days he wanted to get out and I didn't because I was tired.  I would get him out, but in my mind I would be aggravated.  I never really showed it, but I felt it. And the thing is.....I knew I would feel bad when something happened to him as I was having those thoughts, but I couldn't control them.  One Sunday I can remember him wanting to go to church, but I didn't.  I was up late, and I was so tired.  I didn't take him.  How can I not feel bad about that?  It disgust me to even think about it.  I mean, really.  People think that I did so good by my daddy, but did I? 

That's another thing.  I often hear people say "Y'all were so good to your daddy.  Y'all are so great for what y'all did."  I'll admit....that is very nice to hear.  But when you think about it, isn't that what you're suppose to do?  Your parents (or most parents) spend their whole lives providing and caring for you.  When the tables are turned, shouldn't it be that way?  I mean, I cannot for the life of me imagine not taking care of them when it's their turn.  I know there are people out there that don't, but how could they not?  It makes me question.....For me to have dedicated the time I did to taking care of my dad,  and to still be so overwhelmed w/ guilt, how would I feel had I not done that for my dad?  I couldn't even imagine. I guess it's a little thing called compassion.
 
I will admit, I am not a very sympathetic person at all, but I do have a heart.  To watch someone suffer or truly hurt, it bothers me.  Emotionally, I can't handle it.  And not just....."Ouch, my toe is hurt" type thing.  I mean, to literally sit there and watch someone in severe pain and to slowly die.  This is one reason why I don't think I could ever be a nurse, doctor, or especially work w/ hospice.  I would be a complete basketcase.  I think about those hospice workers that helped w/ daddy a lot.  It takes a special person to be able to deal w/ that. 

Daddy's hospice nurse was Michelle Keasler.  I will never forget her for the rest of my life.  She came weekly to check on daddy, and we had eventually gotten close to her.  I could not imagine caring for someone weekly and getting attached to their family, and then losing the patient.  And it not just being once, but this happening, continuously. She did though.  She came in and talked w/ daddy, and then talked w/ us.  She really did care about us. You could see the hurt in her eyes when she would speak to us.  Daddy would get aggravated w/ Michelle a lot, though.  She was a great nurse and she took great care of him, but towards the end  he would get frustrated w/ her coming by all the time.  One time I can remember her coming over, and as she was leaving she said, "Bye, Vance.  I will be back on Tuesday to see you."  He said "Take your time!" LOL!  I said "Daddy!  That wasn't nice!"  He said "Ahhh! Shutup!  She knows I'm not playing w/ a full deck of cards!" LOL!  At least he threw that out there to somewhat spare her feelings....haha. 

I really am trying to move past all these emotions that I am having, but I know it will take time.  Although it's nice to hear, I know that no matter what anybody says, I probably will always feel that guilt.  After all, I'm only human, right?

Anyway,  I know all of my blogs are depressing, but I truly do have good days, too.  I have days that I laugh about things that happened w/ my daddy, and the things he use to say. I have days that I feel blessed that he's not in pain anymore.  I also have days that I feel so fortunate to share the love I did w/ him because many out there don't have that. At some point, I know that I will eventually pick myself up and continue on, but I also know that it will take time.  More time than I would like.  What has happened over this past year is not something that I can quickly overcome.  I always say to myself, "One day at a time, Taylor", and that's exactly how it is.....One day at a time.....