Here I go again......

Well......It's been almost a year.

I decided when I woke up this morning to do a little "blogging".  After all, it has been almost a year since my life has been forever changed.

How are things for me? 

Things, I must say, are much better than this time last year.  At this point last year, I was in much denial about the exact state of health my dad was in.  I knew he was bad, but of course I didn't know he only had two weeks left.  I look back on it now, and just think about how miserable I really was.  I don't even recognize that person at all.  Depression can get the best of you.  As most of you remember....when daddy passed away, I started this blogging thing to try to help me cope.  At that time, I really think it did.  I think the last time I blogged was in February.  I quit because I decided I needed to pick up w/ my life and move on.  My heart couldn't handle anymore beatings.  Now, since I am in a better place, I thought I'd share how my first year of living without my dad has been.

After daddy passed, as most of you that read these know, I hit rock bottom.  I don't even know if  "depressed" is the proper word for what I felt.  I cried all the time.  Everyday for months.  Daddy died in September, and in February, I was still grieving pretty hard.  Every single night after daddy had died, I would lay in my bed and pray for the Lord to make me feel better the next day.  As awful as this sounds, I would pray to not even wake up the next morning.  I know for anyone reading this, you are probably thinking how horrible I am, especially since I have a child, but that really is how bad I gotten.  I remember waking up one morning, at the end of February, and crying all day. I couldn't quit. I wanted to, but tears just kept streaming down my face.  My heart ached so bad.   Memories of the last days of my dad's life kept replaying over and over in my head.  Towards the end of the day, I remember begging for God to help me.  I said it out loud, too.  I was in the living room sitting on the couch, crying, and literally out loud begging,  "Please, God, help me.  Daddy.....anyone who will listen.....Help me get myself back!"  I meant it from the bottom of my heart.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I carried on as I was for the rest of the night.....just broken.  The next morning when I woke up, I felt so different.  I felt like my old self in a way, and I couldn't quit smiling. I knew God heard my prayers and he knew I needed his help. It was that very day that I decided that I would turn things around for myself, and for my daughter. 

I knew that in order for me to get my mind right, I needed to feel better about myself.  I immediately decided that I needed to lose weight.  I started exercising, eating right, and trying to stay positive.  If a thought entered my head about my daddy, as bad as it sounds, I would immediately have to think of something else.  Whether it was a good memory or bad, I knew that I couldn't have any thoughts of him at all, or it would bring me back down. 

I also knew that in order to get my mind off of things, I would need a job.  Something to keep me busy.  I didn't want anything stressful or full-time (at that time), just something that would get me out of the house for a little each week, and around different people.  Daddy worked for the City of Gadsden until he retired, and I had worked at the City for a short period right after I had graduated high school.  It was a very lax job back then, and I knew it would probably be right up my alley.  Exactly what I'd need.   And thanks to a couple of dear friends of my family, they got me a job. I will be forever grateful to Julie and Kerry Payne, because even though they might not think they did much....they did.  Because of that job, I was able to completely snap out of the mind frame I was in.
I realized after I started working for the City how much it truly helped me.  At the beginning, everyday I would get to see people that knew my dad or worked with him.  They'd tell me stories, and I was finally at a place that I could actually smile about them instead of wanting to bawl my eyes out. 

I was riding down the road just a couple of days ago, and was thinking about him (as always).  I thought about how he had lost his parents at a young age, too, but how he never spoke of it.  I thought about all the pain I have in my heart for him and thought, "This is what he felt like when we were kids."  Every time something happens w/ Hayley or just anything, the first thing I think is, "Her pawpaw would love this".   Now, I know that every time something happened in our lives, he more than likely thought the same thing.  He had that pain in his heart like I do mine.  I am not the same person I was a year ago.....or 5 years ago for that matter.  Of course none of us are.  But what I mean by that is.......is that at that time in my life, I had both of my parents here with me.  I was, I guess you could say, complete.  At that time in my life, I never knew the feeling of losing someone so close to me.  I never knew the emptiness that your heart can feel on a daily basis because of one person being gone.  It's quite obvious my heart will never be the same.  But, I do know that I have to do the same thing for Hayley that he did for us.  I have to carry on for her.  I am carrying on for her.

If you have your parents, please cherish every moment you have with them.  I think back now on the times when daddy wanted to go somewhere and I didn't.  Do you know what I'd give right now to be given one hour with him?  I wouldn't care if it was one hour doing our usual grocery shopping.  I can tell you right now, I'd make it count. 

This has been hands down the roughest year of my life. I will never forget who was here with me through the ups and downs, and as awful as it sounds, who wasn't.  In a couple of weeks, will be exactly one year since he left.  For weeks now, I have been dreading this date.  I have been so afraid that I am going to fall back into that same slump that I stayed in for so long.  I have prayed almost everyday that I won't.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers.  It has been and will be extremely hard on all of us.