Sunday, May 6, 2012

Still on my mind and in my heart.

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Been wanting to, just can't find the time. Things have been good. I've found myself thinking about my daddy a lot lately. Since he's left, I've really missed him obviously. But recently, I've felt like I've needed him more than ever. That's sort of tough to swallow, but what can you do? Not too much has really happened since my last blog. In March, I decided to go to daddy's house to start cleaning things up a bit. That was hard, I won't lie, but it was pretty interesting to say the least. Daddy was a hoarder that's for sure. He held onto everything. A lot of the things I came across simply put a smile on my face. Like all of our shoes that he held onto. Even our baby shoes. Not sure why he kept those, but I'm glad he did. Others brought tears to my eyes. Either way, it was bittersweet, that's for sure. It's really hard for me to even express the emotions I have inside of me about him. It's like there are no words, and even if I spoke them out loud, I feel like nobody would understand. It's been a year and a half, and he never leaves my mind for a full hour throughout the day. I say things, and think of him. I do things, and it reminds me of him. Sometimes, I still think, he's really not here? There's always that one person that holds your family together. I'm realizing that he was that person. Everything is so different now. I often find myself thinking "If he were here, things wouldn't be this way." I'm still nowhere near what I was when he left, but I am seeing that his passing has really done a number on me. I knew if I ever lost him, it'd be hard.....I guess I just didnt realize it would be as hard as it has been. I had a dream about him last week. I really don't have a whole lot of dreams about him, so when I do, they bother me. I dreamed that he came back to life. He walked in the door, I looked at him and started crying and was asking him of he was okay. He told me he felt great, but I kept looking at him in disbelief and just waiting on him to tell me he was hurting or something. I followed him around in my dream continuously asking if he felt okay and what I could do for him. That was pretty much the extent of it. I woke up missing him more than ever. I just hope that was God's way of letting me know he's in a better place. I was thinking the other day about me, him, and some of our conversations. He used to tell me all the time that I was so funny. He always talked about my personality and how much he loved it. When he was sick, I didn't have much of a personality. It's kind of hard to when you see someone you love lying there suffering. He knew I had lost myself. He told me one time that he wanted his Taylor back. He wanted me to go back to old happy self. I didn't know how to. I knew I wasn't the same. I was broken. I honestly didn't think I'd ever find myself again. I was wrong. I honestly feel happier now than as far back as I can remember. I was thinking about how bad I wished he was here to see it, and then I thought "He can see it. He's looking over me everyday." I can honestly feel that. I still have a whole lot to do at my daddy's house. The main thing I worked on was his garage. I still find it overwhelming to stand in his house. My next move is to take it inside, so I wil gladly accept any prayers that can be sent my way once I begin all that. Anyway, kind of a sad blog I know, but every now and then I have to release some of the hurt that I still hold in my heart for that man.

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